Demon: What an excellent day for an exorcism.

Father Damien Karras: You would like that?

Demon: Intensely.

Father Damien Karras: But wouldn’t that drive you out of Regan?

Demon: It would bring us together.

Father Damien Karras: You and Regan?

Demon: You and us.

Howz about that kiss dollface

Music is everybody’s possession. It’s only publishers who think that people own it.
John Lennon

I loved my mother, she’s a good girl.
Charles Manson

I punched my mother out once.
Charles Manson

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin

CLICK TO ENLARGE

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you’re into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
Jerry Seinfeld

It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
Muhammad Ali

God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.
Rudyard Kipling

In 1968 George Harrison invited me to his hotel room in Manhattan. I said to him, it is a pleasure meeting you, a member of the greatest recording vocal group in the history of popular music.” I said, “Do you mind if I sing you a song? He said, “No, go right ahead.” (Tiny sings “Nowhere Man” in the high voice). He said, “Wait a minute, just say, ‘Merry Christmas Beatles’ and go into that song.” He put this on the Beatles’ ’68 fan club flexi-disc.

Tiny Tim

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield

Hambone aka Sandy Becker

” Only liberals have trouble understanding that if you subsidize sloth and fertility, you get more; and if you penalize hard work and thrift, you get less. “
Louis Rukeyser

Men are more moral than they think and far more immoral than they can imagine.
Sigmund Freud

1888 Train Conductor: Willoughby, sir? That’s Willoughby right outside. It’s July. It’s summer. It’s 1888. Real warm one, too. Really a lovely little village…you oughta try it sometime. Peaceful, restful, where a man can slow down…live his life full measure.-Twilight Zone

It may be best to set aside the rest of May to apologize for what you’re going to do this Cinco de Mayo.

As long as you’re green, you’re growing. As soon as you’re ripe, you start to rot.
Ray Kroc

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.

‘Hmmm..let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened… A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.’

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man
‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Louie replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response…

‘Oh sure’, said Louie. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!