General

Thought Of The Day Mar. 13, 2014

picA recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

General

Thought Of The Day Mar. 12, 2014

cartoon4716

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 11, 2014


ironToday’s Lesson On Irony

These three statements tell you a lot about our government and our
culture:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few
lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions
of a few lunatics. Funny how that works.

 

 

And another statement for consideration–

2. We constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out
of money. How come we never hear about welfare running out of money?
What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but
the second didn’t.

 

 

Finally ..

3. The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of
Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount
of free Meals and Food Stamps ever — to 47 million people, as of the
most recent figures available in 2013.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S.
Department of the Interior, asks us “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.”
The stated reason for this policy is because “The animals will grow
dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.”

 

 

Thus Ends Today’s Lesson On Irony

General

Thought Of The Day Mar. 10, 2014

who

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 9, 2014

oxy

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 8, 2014

bundKelly: Hey, Daddy? You, ah, you might not remember this,
[sits on the chair]
Kelly: but before your accident, you promised me a new car.
Al: Pumpkin, you may not remember this, but MOMMY is the vegetable in the family.
Kelly: Oh. Oh, right. DUH.
Al: Well, the other one.

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 7, 2014

car

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 5, 2014

jimi

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 5, 2014

sign

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 4, 2014

Uncle Sam Giving the FingerObamaGolf‏

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1’s do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite, or Callaway Blue.

(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. Top Flites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.

(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?

(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page “Affordable Golf Ball Act” passed by Congress.

(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?

(Customer) What’s the difference?

(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.

(Customer) BallAid?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa…..I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There’s no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

(Customer) I don’t believe this.

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can’t charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.

(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!
ObamaGolf‏

(Receptionist) Actually, sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that, sir, that’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSAneed to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day…and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

General

Thought Of The Day Mar. 3, 2014

LOWELLAn income tax would be like throwing gasoline on a fire.
Lowell Weicker

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 2, 2014

biden“A man I’m proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States — Barack America!” –Joe Biden, at his first campaign rally with Barack Obama (Watch video clip)

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Thought Of The Day Mar. 1, 2014

mama*BRITISH HUMOUR*

On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked
the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the
only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged
French woman’s poodle.

The weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”

The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, “Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that
the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the
poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman
and said, “Please Ma’am, may I sit down? I’m very tired?”

She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why
should I care if you are tired?”

This time, the Marine didn’t say a word, but simply picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, “Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be
put in his place!”

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong
hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir,
you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

General

Thought Of The Day Feb. 27, 2014

mark-twain-censorship-quote1-620x711

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Thought Of The Day Feb. 26, 2014

funnyfish1ae

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Thought Of The Day Feb. 25, 2014

harI always claim that the writer has done 90 percent of the director’s work.
Harold Ramis

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Thought Of The Day Feb. 24, 2014

sign

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Thought Of The Day Feb. 23, 2014

goldI don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

General

Thought Of The Day Feb. 22, 2014

ice“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, there are two left, but I like how you’re thinking.” Then Johnny asks the teacher, “You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?” And the teacher responds, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”

General

Thought Of The Day Feb. 21, 2014

al


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